Is Indepence Hindering the Quality of your Relationship

I spent most of my life cultivating independence, it took a long time for me to see that independence hindered the quality of my relationship. 

There were so many reasons for me to be proud of my self-sufficiency, I wore it as a badge of honour, what I didn’t see was how it was a form of protection. 

I grew up in the era where women were not only encouraged but pushed into being “strong and independent women.” With slogans such as, “You don’t need a man”, “Women can do anything men can do” or my motto for most of my 20s (sorry to the men reading this) “All men are b*stards”. 

Self-sufficiency meant that I built a business solo, travelled the world solo, bought a house solo, I had done well and was successful in a variety of ways. 

In hindsight, I can see how I pushed men away. Any man who would come close to me, would eventually feel that there was no space for him in my life. 

There was a sentence that I have heard 3 times in my life.. “It feels like you don’t need a man” - from 2 past partners, and once from Rod. 

I didn’t know what to do with it on the first two occasions I heard it. In fact, I thought it was about them because I knew that I not only needed, but I wanted a man in my life. 

Each of the previous two relationships ended shortly after I heard that sentence. 

But the third time I heard it, from Rod, all my nerve endings lit up. This felt like a moment to PAY ATTENTION and choose differently, if this relationship was to survive. 

I let the statement land in my body. I felt vulnerable, confused, and unsure. I realised life was showing me something about myself. 

I knew that I needed him. But he wasn’t experiencing me as though I needed him, quite the opposite, he felt pushed away and alone. Leaving him questioning “What’s the point of having a relationship, I can be alone by myself”. 

And so the question arose, “How could I show up in a way that would invite him into my world?” 

This has been a source of my exploration for over 7 years now. Layer by layer, I have been unravelling the protection I’ve held throughout my life. Releasing the protection I believed kept me safe, yet it was keeping me alone, and separate from the intimacy I so deeply crave. 

By taking care of challenges on my own, I was not inviting Rod into my inner world. By constantly having my own back, I was not allowing him to have mine, I was unable to receive his love, in the ways he wanted, and needed, to love me. 

And I was exhausted by being self-sufficient all the time! 

Being vulnerable in real time, letting him see my pain and discomfort, and not separating from the relationship to work through something on my own, is how I began to allow him into my world.
 

It’s an ongoing and deepening experience of partnership. 

Just recently, there have been new layers of inviting him in, even deeper. At times, it can feel excruciatingly painful. My mind comes up with a million and one reasons to not be vulnerable, to not reveal my feelings, to not expose the belief that is keeping me separate from him. 

And yet.. Each time, I recognise the mind’s protection is not the pathway to the love that I desire. I choose to let go of what my mind is saying and lean into the discomfort, I feel it fully with my whole body and then I invite him more deeply into my world. 

As a result, I feel seen and loved exactly as I am, he feels valued and trusted. 

And intimacy goes deeper! 

If you want to experience a loving and embodied partnership,  explore through “Pathway to Love: A Journey to Embodiment”. This online course is suitable for singles and couples.