Why are Intimate Relationships so Hard?

This is a question that comes up for both women and men. Relationships are not easy. It’s easy to believe that if we find “the right partner” the relationship should just work. That if we find the “right person” it will all just happen naturally.

In my experience - it doesn’t.

Every area of life that is valuable, requires us to train, and practice to become skillful, and proficient. And that includes intimate relationships.

There is a reason why relationships are so challenging, triggering and at times infuriating. It seems that there is a belief that intimate relationships are meant to be a refuge from the harsh reality of life. And at times they can be, and often they are not, they are something very different.

There are many reasons to have an intimate relationship, some are: the desire to have children, the essential human quality of connection, the desire to co-create a life with another, the fact that life is just way more enjoyable with someone to share it with and countless more.

Let’s take a side step for a moment.

Another aspect of being a human is awareness. We are the only species on the planet that is self-aware. And human culture, Eastern or Western, has always been fascinated with growing that awareness. From primitive times creating fire, hunting, and gathering, creating tools to make life easier and more proficient, from living in caves, to building shelters, cabins, homes and cities. Historically spirituality has been present in one form or another, including ceremonies, rituals, deities, guides, angels and gods. Slowly humanity has been growing awareness, from our physical lives, to our emotional experiences, our mind, and our awareness.

No matter what lineage, for thousands of years humans have desired spiritual growth. Growing and transforming through our experiences: emotionally, mentally and spiritually, all lineages point to becoming more loving as a human.

What if intimate relationship was the ultimate domain for spiritual growth? How would that work?

For this to be so, our intimate partners would have to see exactly who we are, who we are being, all the dirty little secrets we hide from the outside world, how we behave when no one else is looking, they would have to know us inside and out. When we hurt, when we are sad, the things that makes us happy and joyous. They would even see our shadows, the parts of ourselves that we hide from, that drive our behaviours and personalities. Hhhmmmmm….

Can you see it? This is what makes intimate relationship so hard, challenging, triggering and at times infuriating. Because our intimate partners are always reflecting back to us all the ways we are unconscious.

What do I mean by unconscious? 

I mean anything we are not aware of. It is very difficult to be aware of something we are not aware of. But we can rely on our intimate partners to notice it, and to feel it. The unconscious parts of me, hurt others. When I know this to be true, I can look at what others are saying and listen with curiosity as they reveal insights of how the way I’m being impacts them.

It means our partners will highlight every aspect of our Self that we are unaware of. Every part of us that is less than love.

Our partners know better than anyone else all the ways we are less than love, less than who we want to be. All the ways we believe we aren’t good enough, our failure to be who we want to be as a human. They see everything that gets in the way of us being more loving. 

And they let us know.  Why? 

Because our unconsciousness causes them pain. That is why intimate relating can be so hard at times. Why it hurts, so much.

The good news is, we can learn how to navigate this, how to work with it in a way that turns these harsh and painful moments into moments of deep love and profound awakening. We can grow beyond our limitations, beyond the ways of being that limit the flow of love in our lives, and the lives of others.

There are specific tools, skills and ways of interacting that help us to unravel these knots of tension, hurt, and pain that create disconnect between a couple.

This is the training that most people never receive, and is so desperately needed. The training that will support you and your intimate partner to experience deep fulfilling intimacy - physically, sexually, emotionally, mentally, spiritually - that will transform your life.

Relationships show us the work that we need to do to awaken, and the domain where change is needed.

Without adequate tools, you and your partner will keep on cycling around the same loops of conflict, distrust and unloving behaviours.

The more conscious we become, the more loving we become.

How do you know how awakened a person is? Observe how loving they are during the worst moments of their life.

With the right tools, you will experience an abundant flow of love, trust and intimacy.

WITH LOVE, ROD.